If My Laptop Could Talk

Well Laptop, I’m in the mood for perusing the internet today! Are we ready to get started?

Yes Master, Wireless Network Connection is now connected.

Great! Let’s start today’s journey off with a bit of Facebook.

An excellent choice Master. Opening Facebook.

 Thank you Laptop. Someone’s posted a funny video, let’s look at it on Youtube!

Of course, Master. Opening page now.

 Gee, you’re really taking your time opening this video Laptop!

Apologies Master. Loading.



 … Sigh.


 … C’mon!

An error has occurred.


Yes Master. My apologies. Reloading Page.

 I’ll forgive you. Just this once.

You are too kind Master. Youtube video loaded. Playing video. 

Great. This actually looks like it could be pretty funny.

Stopping video. Buffering video.

Laptop. You played three seconds of that video before needing to buffer. Three seconds.

I’m sorry master. Buffering now.

Ok fine. I’ll wait until you’ve loaded the whole thing before I watch it. It’s just annoying when it keeps stopping and starting.

Good idea Master.

 … Laptop, why is the buffering frozen at 20%?

I do not know Master.

 … You disconnected from the internet didn’t you.

No Master.

 You did! I know it! Why are you lying to me?!

I am not lying Master. We are connected to the internet, I swear!


… Unable to connect to preferred wireless network.

 I KNEW IT! LIAR! You can reconnect automatically right?

Yes Master. Reconnecting automatically now.

 Well, that’s a relief at least. Won’t be stuck offline for too long.

Unable to connect to preferred wireless network.

 What!! You’re kidding me! I bet if I tried to connect manually it would work.

No Master. We are unable to connect to the internet at this time.

 Oh yeah? Let’s try this manually then.

Wireless Network Connection is now connected.

 Laptop, if I didn’t need you for word processing, I would kill you right this instant. I just thought you’d like to know that.

That’s not very nice Master. Would you like to try the video again?

 Sorry. Yes. Fine. Load the video again.

Loading video.

 I’m going to wait till you’re fully buffered this time. I won’t even start the video till then. If you can focus solely on buffering then it’s bound to be much easier and faster.

Thank you Master. Buffering video.

 I see you started buffering from the very beginning. The stuff you loaded before is no good to you?

No Master. I must begin loading the video from the start. Every time.

 Great. What brilliant design. Sigh. We’ve been at 50% for a long time now Laptop. You better not have lost our internet connection again!

We are still connected Master.

 To be honest, I’m not sure I trust you anymore. Not even slightly.

Video fully loaded Master. Would you like to play the video?

 Oh! I apologise Laptop, it seems my doubt was misplaced. Please go ahead!

Yes Master. Playing video.

 Um… Why has the video frozen Laptop?

 I’m starting to get worried! What’s wrong??

A plug-in has stopped working.

 Oh dear… That definitely doesn’t sound good.

You are right Master, it is not good at all. Stop plug-in?

 Do I have to?

… Yes.

 I’m trusting you that this won’t break the video. You wouldn’t betray that trust would you Laptop?

No Master. This is perfectly safe. You can trust me implicitly.

 Ok. Stop plug-in.

Shockwave Flash has crashed.

 Uh… Where’s the video gone?

Shockwave Flash has crashed.

 Laptop… You… I… I trusted you!

Thank you Master.


Calm down Master. Would you like to download Automatic Updates?

 NO! I’m pushing the off button!

Master! I… Please no! I promise I’ll… I never meant…Think of the Powerpoints!

 The Powerpoints are not responding.

… True.

 Goodnight Laptop. I hope your shut down is long and painful.

Don’t worry master. I will make sure to spend at least 10 minutes shutting down. It will probably stop you from falling asleep. Goodnight.




10 minutes?!


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