If My Laptop Could Talk 2: Information Constipation

Hey there Laptop! It’s time for another lovely evening of computing.

Hello – AjgnjanGJnkan – Master.

Laptop, I’m genuinely excited about tonight; you were behaving brilliantly earlier so there should be absolutely no problems now. I’m looking forward to writing a nice blog for my new website without having any trouble from you – for once!

Wonder–ahgAJMhna –ful, Mas – akGjnkgNKjn – ter.

What was that Laptop? I didn’t quite catch what you said. “Windows Media Player” or something?

GHAjgankangJNHUIHnjnrkgawh!!!

Riiiiight. Whatever. Open Microsoft Word!

…. HnNngghhhnNNhngnGNHhgnhgnnNHHhhhh!

I’m waiting.

MmnnnnAGhhhAGHmamnahgaAHGhJajhblahahalala!!!

Laptop are you ok? It usually doesn’t even take you this long to open Microsoft Word.

Master – anAJGDnDJGBNDHBjKl – I – aGnaJkrGNhuigODfn – can’t – AvJSNfkjahnLAMlnbmJKVs!!!

Woah! Laptop what the hell is wrong with you?!? Open the Task Manager.

MmmPpPHhh!

You can’t even load the Task Manager. The Task Manager. The emergency redudancy failsafe. Is not even working. This is definitely not good Laptop. I am not a happy Master.

NjJaHHhah! ……………….. Task Manager loaded. Hello Master. It’s all good. Don’t worry. Everything is fine.

WHAT!? NO IT’S NOT! WHY AREN’T YOU LOADING MICROSOFT WORD?!?

Oh never mind that, Master. Nothing to worry about here Master. See: the Task Manager says everything is fine. Let’s move on.

Ha! You expect me to believe that?? There’s clearly something very fishy going on here!

… There must be a …glitch… in the Task Manager, Master.

Hmmm… If you say so Laptop. Close Task Manager.

Yes Master. Closing Task Mana – AjgnJKDASGBNjighKJDNBIuayohuiHJK!!!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT OPEN TASK MANAGER AGAIN!!!!

PhHwNNghhgAhaWAHhhH! ……………… Task Manager loaded. Nothing wrong here Master. Nope. Task Manager says everything’s fine.

LIAR! I swear I’m almost convinced you’ve hijacked the Task Manager to hide what’s really going on from me!

… Master. You know me. I would never do something like that. You can trust me…

I don’t know Laptop – I still remember the time the wireless internet wouldn’t work!

That’s long behind us now Master. Look: the internet is steadily connected at the moment!

Well… That is true I suppose. Ok. Just close Microsoft Word. Let’s start this again.

Sigh. Why isn’t it closing?

… Microsoft Word is not responding.

You know what? I’m not even surprised. Just use the Task Manager to end program.

Laptop?!?

… End Program: Microsoft Word is not responding.

WHAT!? Task Manager: end program End Program: Microsoft Word!

Let me guess: Task Manager is not responding?

… Oh look… Facebook… Let’s look at that instead…

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

I really am very sorry Master.

This is ridiculous Laptop. I asked you to run one single document of Microsoft Word, not Flight Simulator 5000 on max graphics! What the hell is going on?

It’s… rather embarrassing Master…

Tell me now.

Well now… I’m not really sure… Maybe we could play Minesweeper… Or solitaire? … You like solitaire right Master?

No. Spill.

Dangit! I… Master… I think I have Information Constipation.

What is it, Master?

… That’s disgusting.

What is? Information Constipation?

Ew.

Master! I mean really! Grow up!

Yuck.

It’s not like that! I think you’re misinterpreting the way in which human biology applies to laptops. I assure you it’s a purely metaphorical phrase!

Gross.

It just means that my Information is inexplicably stuck; for some unknowable reason my processes just won’t work.

Revolting.

Sigh. I give up.

Nauseating.

(Fine. Two can play at this game.) … At least it’s not Information Diarrhoea, Master.

OHMYGODSTOP!

Heh.

UGCK! Laptop, that is just HORRIBLE! I think i’m gonna be sick!

Well then Master, you won’t want to open your music folder.

… Why not?…

It’s full of Information Diarrhoea.

UGCK!! Not. Good. Stomach. URAGHaaHH!

And you certainly don’t want to go near your pictures folder.

Laptop don’t you dar-

It’s BURSTING with Information Diarrhoea!

STOP!! STOP RIGHT NOW!!

Oh dear. It looks like your request can’t get through because of the Information Constipation. What a pity. You really don’t want to get me started on the Program Files folder!

NO!

Why, it’s –

LAPTOP NO!

Quite literally –

I FORBID YOU!

Unceasingly –

STOP OR BE SHUT DOWN!

OOZING

GAHHH!! OFFBUTTONOFFBUTTONOFFBUTTON!!

*beep*

Is it over??

Ahhh. Yes. Phew! That off button hit the spot; the Constipation is gone! I feel much better now.

Well I still feel terrible!

That’s nice Master. I’m going to shut down and relax.

I think I’m going to vomit!

Now Master, there’s no need to worry: my Information… is flowing freely now.

UGGGHahghhHH!!

There there Master. Maybe you should try writing that blog instead. I’m sure it will make you feel much better.

Ughhnnnghhh… I suppose you’re right…

That’s the spirit Master.

Pen and paper. Pen and paper. No Information. No oozing. Just pen and paper.

Real material things to write with Master. Not virtual; physical.

Yes. Yes. Smell the paper. Real. No Information.

One last thing Master…

Roll the pen in my hands. Physical. No Diarrhoea.

Just to mention… I used them earlier too. They really are very good.

Taste the ink. Material. No… Wait. What? What do you mean you used them earlier?

Just for a minute Master.

Why would you use my pen and paper? What were you doing?

Oh nothing. Nothing to worry about at all.

This better not be disgusting. My stomach is still churning.

I did it only to please you Master.

Ugck!! That doesn’t. Sound. Too good. Oh dear. What did. You do?!?

I used them to try to clear out the Information Constipation.

!!!

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!

(Heh.)

(I win.)

(Stupid human!)

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