What Women Want: Attempt 1

Harry Enfield is just one of many charitable figures renowned for undertaking progressive work with women.

There is a question that every man asks himself at least once in his life (well, probably many times in his life. Or even many times a day…): ‘What do women want?!

Let’s not beat around the bush here: women are one of the universe’s biggest mysteries. However, in this blog I will make my first bold attempt at deciphering the answer to this mystery – at pulling back the curtain on the wondrous mind of the woman, and unveiling to all its dark and myriad secrets.

For those of you who may be questioning my credentials, I assure you that I am perfectly suited to this task: as I have had a grand total of <one> girlfriends in my life, I think it is only fair that I should be recognized as one of the most profound authorities on this matter.

Let us begin:

1. Women want a man who “cooks and does housework”

Yes, it’s true gents: women want a man who does all the jobs that a woman is supposed to do. Cooking, cleaning, child-birth; the fact that these are her jobs is simply ignored – a woman wants a man who will do it all! Women are, above all else, exceedingly lazy creatures. Fiendishly cunning, your typical woman will use her feminine wiles to entice unsuspecting young men into doing their work for them.

Men, be warned: women will make you their slaves.

An increasingly common sight in modern society: a woman slacking on the job.

2. Women want a man who “is strong”

Why were women systematically oppressed for most of our society’s history? Was it because men are evil? NO! It was because women are weak. They are weak and fragile creatures. Men are strong and can fix cars and do other similarly important stuff. Women just aren’t able to do this. It can’t be denied that the weight of a dinner-filled frying pan or a well-used broom fits perfectly into a woman’s less muscular and much less capable hands.

Now, if women actually did their proper housework they might get stronger. But modern women seem to think (see point 1) that, in fact, men should be doing these things!! Worse still, some women think that they should be doing jobs that are traditionally done by men!!

Feminism has a lot to answer for.

3. Women want a man who “is nice”

Women are also categorically insecure and lacking in self-confidence. It’s actually quite understandable once you examine this in the context of all their other consistent failings. Nevertheless, women need men who will reassure and comfort them when they are feeling blue. It has been scientifically proven that a woman who does not receive regular emotional support from a man will go fatally and irreversibly insane. Women need the constant reassurance of a man’s more understanding and benign nature in order to survive.

Ignore an upset woman for too long and she will soon unsheathe her claws.

This is what a man really risks when a woman asks for a cuddle.

I hope that all the men who have read this article will have found some useful information which they might put into practice when trying to win the affection of the important women in their lives. May you ravage them shamelessly. To any women who have read this article, I hope that you too have taken some of these lessons to heart (to the men: do not let women read articles on the internet in future. It will only lead to more attempts to avoid cooking dinner. And don’t worry about your loved ones reading this message; we’re perfectly safe – women aren’t able to read things in brackets.)

This has been my first attempt at explaining what women want. Don’t worry – we have only taken our first step down this wondrous road of adventure and discovery. Ever conscious of the possibility (however unlikely!) of failure, I am always open to engaging in further attempts in the future. Kevin out!

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9 thoughts on “What Women Want: Attempt 1

  1. 1.those weren’t brackets, they were parenthesis.
    2.This thing is full of crap. I don’t want a man who can cook and clean so I don’t have to! I wan’t to cook and I will gladly do all the house work if my husband will do all of the yard work!
    3.Women aren’t weak. We act like it to feed your egos and make you feel better about yourselves, but you men took it too seriously…
    You are not very bright when it comes to women…no wonder you’ve only had one girl friend…I hope you don’t plan on getting married writing crud like this…and this isn’t funny if it was supposed to be…

  2. Pingback: What Women Want: Attempt 2 | From the Mind of Kevin

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