What Women Want: Attempt 2

Gulp!

Men: dire news! My first attempt at explaining what women want has been a categorical failure! Not 12 hours ago, when I had just finished writing said post, I made my first attempt to put my new-found understanding into action.

I barely escaped with my life.

In order that you may avoid a similar fate, I have undertaken this second attempt at explaining womens’ most closely guarded needs and desires. May it guide you in your path to ravishment.

And always remember: they have claws. And they are willing to use them.

(Men: ensure that there are no women reading this NOW! They can’t be allowed to know our new strategic knowledge and tactical mastery. It is imperative that they do not learn how many of their deepest and darkest secrets and weakness have been compromised. The only way we can win this war is through guerrilla action. Alright – are they gone? – good! – let’s go!)

Women want a  man who “is a total jerk”

That’s right gents, forget everything I said about women wanting a “nice” man in the first post; they want a man who is a total jerk. Women are nice and pleasant creatures and their first instinct is to try to care for the man who might be considered to be just a little bit “mean”. Perhaps they enjoy the fact that they are clearly more mature than such a creature; perhaps they enjoy teaching these cruel and simpleminded men the error of their ways; or, perhaps they just enjoy being stomped upon.

I don’t claim to fully understand it, but from this moment on I will be doing my best to always appear vaguely irate and violently mean.

So, am I implying that women, in fact, want a man who mildly abuses and oppresses them? I hate to say it, but apparently they do!

Looks like feminism was wrong again.

Drop dead gorgeous.

Women want a man who “doesn’t fart”

Men: let’s face it, we are arseholes – giant fart-emitting arseholes. We are horrible and disgusting creatures. Nobody wants to kiss a smelly arsehole (or, presumably, any arsehole at all!)

Example of a chat-up line that should be avoided:

“Wow you smell lovely! What perfume are you wearing?”

“Oh thank you! I’m wearing Sunflower Orchid!”

“Sounds nice. I just tend to stick to the ol’ farts myself!”

“…”

One famous scientist from the not-so-distant past once theorized that a woman doesn’t fart because all that gaseous goodness is redirected elsewhere: namely, to her chest. Thus, according to the scientist, arose the phenomenon of breasts. Now, intriguing as this hypothesis may be, it sadly does not hold up under the scrutiny of modern scientific investigation – we now know that breasts are, in fact, made of the same material as pillows.

And the mystery of the females’ absence of farts is still unanswered to this day.

DO NOT FOLLOW THE LOLCAT'S EXAMPLE!!

Women want a man who “doesn’t cry when he’s kicked in the gonads”

Because until you’ve experienced child-birth you haven’t known true pain.

Get over it. Wimp.

There you have it, men. This has been my second, and hopefully much more accurate, attempt at discerning what it is that women want. Kevin out!

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