Stages of Sickness

David Prowse as Darth Vader in The Empire Stri...

"You are unwise to lower your defenses!" (Image via Wikipedia)

1. Suspicions that you are getting sick.

You feel a bit off. Maybe you’re just having a bad day? Maybe Blade Runner is just wrecking your head? Whatever the reason, you don’t feel too good. Hopefully it’s just a temporary thing.

2. Lying in bed with a fever – certainty that you’re sick.

There’s no denying it now. You’ve been lying in bed feeling awful for the last 3 hours. In fact, you feel so bad that you can’t even get yourself out of bed to take some medicine. If that’s not a sign that you’re sick, nothing is.

3. Shouting at someone to get paracetemol.

You’re not moving anywhere any time soon. The solution? Shout at someone who is operating normally to come and save you from you duvet smothered misery.

4. Waking up the next morning, hoping to be better, but actually feeling worse.

Rest is the best medicine. But not in this case. You thought that a nice night’s sleep would set you right, but that is not to be. You’ve woken up and you feel even worse than before. Maybe it will work if you try it a second night…

5. Going to the doctor.

Your “I’ll just sleep it off” tactic has proven woefully ineffective. You’re a total misery. The doctor will sort you out though. You step into his office and tell him everything that’s wrong. He nods understandingly, and gives you a prescription for some magic beans to make everything better. Things are starting to look good.

6. Getting antibiotics.

You’ve arrived home with antibiotics in hand. You tried reasoning with your illness; you were understanding and merciful. Now it’s a different story – now you are ready to unleash full scale chemical and biological warfare.

7. One night later and it’s still just as bad. Skepticism about antibiotics starts to set in.

Are these definitely the right ones? Was I supposed to take two twice a day instead of one four times a day? Would it really be so bad if I took them all at once? You’re not feeling any better and you start to doubt whether the beans are really magical after all. You’ve now contracted a separate disease altogether – insecurity.

8. Your nose is blocked yet runny at the same time. How is that even possible?

Your nose obviously slept through all those physics classes you went to at school. It’s sealed up tight, and you’ve been breathing through your mouth like Darth Vader for the better part of the last two days. Nonetheless, your nose is streaming like the river amazon. You’re using up heinous amounts of tissues to both blow and wipe. It’s an offense to your nostrils. And to physics.

9. Eating medicinal icecream.

The best thing about a sore throat is that you get to eat ice-cream. The doctor doesn’t say anything, but the local Spar definitely approves. This is real medicine. One taste of delicious Ben and Jerry’s and you feel a whole lot better. The scientific part of your mind rebels, but the much more rational ice-cream loving part squashes its protests. Your sickness now has a purpose – it is an excuse for ice-cream indulgence!

10. You’re completely out of tissues. Luckily, you also seem to have been cured!

It’s official. You’re on the mend. No more runny nose; no more hacking cough; no more pill routines. You aren’t sick anymore. You ponder a moment, then decide that it was the ice-cream that cured you in the end. After all, you’ve been taking those damn anti-biotics for ages and they haven’t even done anything. The ice-cream sorted you out within a day. And, luckily, there’s still some left in the freezer.

Better finish it off just to be sure.

A pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream
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One thought on “Stages of Sickness

  1. The second image is from Wikipedia too. Damn WordPress kept deleting my image captions while I was writing this post. Eventually, I just gave up and published it. So, just so you know, the last image is credited to Wikipedia. Don’t sue me. Derp 😛

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