Cronk the Crocodile

Cronk the crocodile lay abed
Scaly, warm and trim.
And when his friends the birds did call
Cronk smiled and let them in.

He proudly bared his mighty maw–
With teeth that mouth did brim!
He held it fast and safe and wide
And let the birds begin.

The first bird was an eager chap
As fast as he was dim.
With lightning pecks and darting leaps
He quickly cleaned Cronk’s chin.

The second was a pompous sort
Who gazed ’round with chagrin.
“Dear Cronk!” he moaned, with much dismay
Your mouth smells like a bin!

Yet later when their work was done
Cronk’s mouth was finally clean.
And when the birds flapped proudly off
Cronk’s beady eyes did gleam.

For a third young bird had just arrived
Far plumper than his kin.
This bird had lived an easy life–
Was fat where they were thin.

“Welcome to my mouth,” smiled Cronk,
“Come have a look within.”
And when the poor bird hopped inside
Cronk did an awful thing.

His mighty jaws and teeth came down
And with a single bite,
Cronk gobbled up the poor young bird
And swallowed with delight.

The next day when the birds returned
Cronk didn’t say a thing.
“Oh where is our dear brother gone?”
They never guessed Cronk’s sin.

They attended to their work once more
And scolded Cronk’s hygiene.
His mouth was in an awful mess
The worst they’d ever seen!

So in the end they never found
Their poor lost chubby twin.
Their chores had cleaned off every trace
From Cronk’s sardonic grin!

Nom nom nom!!!

Bad Cronk!

Beautiful Women and Speedy Dragons

[Last night I had an exceptionally strange dream. It stood out to me so much that I can even remember most of it now–hours after the event. I figured I’d transcribe everything that I remember so that you could enjoy this rather odd dream too. I typed this out in one go and I’ve kept the editing to a bare minimum, so as to keep this as authentic as possible. Any incoherency in this post is completely intentional; it is a dream after all!]

My recollection of the dream begins with my cousin Conor dragging me along to a really fancy dinner party. We’re dressed in nice suits and we’re in a really fancy restaurant which is completely empty. We sit down at this long table covered in a white tablecloth with silver furnishings. Then other people start appearing as if they’ve been there all along.

There is a beautiful blonde opposite me (simple, elegant, beautiful) and she’s starts talking to me immediately, ignoring everyone else. We get on very well and have an extremely intelligent conversation, and I can’t help but feel that there could be romance budding. (This is interesting because I don’t usually go for blondes at all.). This goes on for a while. [In fact, I think another woman appeared at one stage but then I forgot about her and she just disappeared again. It’s all rather vague!]

Mid-conversation, a young stressed-looking man comes along and sits down beside me and tells me we have to talk urgently. So we leave (I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to the blonde!) and somehow arrive in a dark laboratory/office building. We’re on the top floor, completely alone.

At this stage I also realize that I am a wizard.

So we’re walking through this floor of abandoned rooms and I realize that I know it’s the Wizards’ HQ – and that it’s abandoned because all the other wizards are dead. The chap who is with me is the new chief wizard. (I briefly wonder why he’s still using an office at the back of the building instead of moving into one of the now-vacated nicer ones. I conclude that it must be a sign of respect.) We reach his office and he ushers me inside.

It’s a normal office and he lays out his master-plan for me on his desk. [He brilliantly uses some action figures to portray this.] This is the deal: we’re the only two wizards left and we’re fighting some evil monster. Apparently the evil thing has killed all the other wizards but this has had the counter-effect of revealing his location to us. It’s time for the final battle!

I hesitantly raise the objection that there could be another force that we don’t know about that could interfere. I demonstrate this theory using a zombie figure who comes up behind our two figures and proceeds to attack them. (Complete with sound effects provided by yours truly.) The chief is unimpressed and throws the zombie on the floor. I pick it up and start attacking our figures again. He shakes his head and throws it on the floor. I pick it up. [This goes on for quite a while!]

Suddenly the door of the room blasts open and a MASSIVE DRAGON somehow flies into the room, turns into the beautiful woman from the party for a millisecond, drops an envelope on the table, then turns back into a dragon and blasts out of the room again. This all happens in less than a second; I’m totally gobsmacked and don’t know what’s going on.

The chief looks at the message, shakes his head, and mutters to himself (I remember this bit distinctly), “This is most unusual.”

I ask him to explain, and he tells me that we were just given a message by the great dragon Penelope. [Baffling, I know!] The chief frowns at the message and I consider asking him what it says.

Before I do so I feel a brief moments sadness as I realize that my wonderful conversation with the woman at the party was not what I thought it was. Was she just talking to me as part of some subtle dragon scheme? Was she trying to protect me? I wistfully wonder if she might still love me despite being an immortal dragon…

And then I wake up.

[So there you have it: my crazy dream. If any of you amateur psycho-analysts out there want to try to explain this to me then you’re more than welcome (I must have a lot of deeply troubling unresolved mental issues!). Personally though, I’m rather hoping there’s a sequel tonight. Bonne nuit!]

Kevin’s Favorite Boxers

Sometimes when you really like a pair of boxers, you just have to wear them on your head.

Caught in the act.

I am not ashamed…

A lot of people were curious about the intriguing pair of purple boxers that I wore while bag-packing last weekend. So–ever eager to please my loyal fans–I have created this special edition, once in a lifetime post so that you can finally witness them in all of their 3 megapixel glory. Continue reading

Steve and the Man Who Had Lived Forever

Steve’s wisdom was sometimes challenged by rival teachers and wise men. I record here one of the most interesting of these cases, when Steve’s authority was said to have been superseded by a man who had lived forever. Let us begin:

One day when Steve was deep in thought, some of the peasants from the village came to visit, bringing with them a very old man. The man was small and wizened and old, and he shuffled forwards slowly using a gnarled and knotted walking stick. Ever helpful, Steve’s favorite disciple hurried forward to aid the old man to his seat. We recognized him instantly: the village people had been talking about nothing but this wondrous newcomer for the last three days. According to village rumor, he was the oldest man who had ever lived – in fact, it was said he had lived forever! Continue reading

Visiting the Doctor

So it turns out I have a throat infection. This recounts my visit to the doctor (who sounds suspiciously like Ali G). Respect.

Kevin Murray? The doctor will see you now. If you will please follow me… Through this door here… Doctor Kavanagh? Kevin Murray to see you.

Owright tanks love, you iz bein’ da badest gansta in da surgery today, ya hear me?

… Thank you Doctor Kavanagh. I’ll just leave you with Kevin now I think…

Owright, owright. Kevin, innit?

Uh… Yeah. Hi Doc? Continue reading

Words of Wisdom

Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.

Blissfully ignorant.

You aren’t in theatre.

But everyone’s acting.

Where difficulty arises, use a graduated response.

YOU! SHUT UP!

It’s a concrete situation.

I can’t get out.

The great well of human forgetfulness.

Bottomless pessimism.

You haven’t a leg to stand on.

So hop hop hop away.

Splat.

What Women Want: Attempt 2

Gulp!

Men: dire news! My first attempt at explaining what women want has been a categorical failure! Not 12 hours ago, when I had just finished writing said post, I made my first attempt to put my new-found understanding into action.

I barely escaped with my life.

In order that you may avoid a similar fate, I have undertaken this second attempt at explaining womens’ most closely guarded needs and desires. May it guide you in your path to ravishment. Continue reading

What Women Want: Attempt 1

Harry Enfield is just one of many charitable figures renowned for undertaking progressive work with women.

There is a question that every man asks himself at least once in his life (well, probably many times in his life. Or even many times a day…): ‘What do women want?!

Let’s not beat around the bush here: women are one of the universe’s biggest mysteries. However, in this blog I will make my first bold attempt at deciphering the answer to this mystery – at pulling back the curtain on the wondrous mind of the woman, and unveiling to all its dark and myriad secrets.

For those of you who may be questioning my credentials, I assure you that I am perfectly suited to this task: as I have had a grand total of <one> girlfriends in my life, I think it is only fair that I should be recognized as one of the most profound authorities on this matter.

Let us begin: Continue reading